One of the reasons that I have not blogged much lately is that it is hard to know what to write about that is not too personal and perhaps too obnoxious to make public.  My inner struggles with having sent my boys to school, my concerns about Walter's health, and just general feelings of not succeeding as a parent are not exactly blog material.  Tonight is one of the nights when I am feeling that pain fairly acutely.  It causes me physical pain to see the F's my kids are getting in school--multiple of them.  It is mentally draining trying to help them figure out what they need to be doing and what various assignments mean so that they do not get more bad grades--at least not ones for not completing work they should have known about. I suppose I would just say I feel a little helpless in the face of the edmodos, edlines, planners, acronyms, and "technology in the classroom."  And I know that honestly, my own helplessness and confusion in the face of this is really not a problem that *I* should be having at all, because I should not exactly be micromanaging their school life.  Why didn't anyone tell me how very no-guarantees being a parent would be?  I often find myself wishing that I could resign from this particular job--if there was a boss over me, I think I would be fired by now!

This morning I went to a Bible study with a friend of mine.  When I first walked in, especially when tarus wasn't there and I was not sure if she was going to be a no show, I had an overwhelming urge to run out the door and never come back.  I looked around and saw mostly old people," and I thought they looked too "Baptist" (which they were), and I could not see myself fitting in.  As the morning went on, while I am not sure I exactly fit in, I became more convinced that sometimes we are led somewhere out of our comfort zone for a reason--that whatever got us to the place where we want to escape may have had a plan after all. I think the big thing that I left with was a set of resolutions.  Yeah, they were nothing hugely new and earth-shattering, but in a way the reiteration of them from yet another voice in my life was what woke me up a little. 

The first of the resolutions is to create and use a blessings jar--or a "good things" jar.  I have seen this posted on pinterest by a lot of people during the past few weeks, and I am going to do my best to be disciplined about making one and using it daily.  Lord knows I could stand some help seeing the positive some days!  But I really do look and see, even while I am in the midst of wondering what is going to happen with my family, that there are so many blessings.  Like getting to go out with Tarus this morning.  And her daughter going to lunch with us and helping Frances get excited about doing her latin.  And Frances doing her math without any involvement from me and doing two lessons because her friend was doing two lessons--and taking the time to get the grade on the assignments that I know she can and should be getting.  We finished one of my very favorite books of all time this morning--From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.  This time around, and it is at least the third time for me, it was even more special because I am so crazy, fanatically in love with New York City and had a visual and personal attachment to all of the places mentioned in the book.  What's even more cool is that there was the mention of the name "Clendennan" in the book, which pretty much blew Frances away.  As if this was not enough, we read about 20 pages in "Listening For Lions" today, and that also is a book that I completely loved, and it is exactly the kind of book I love sharing with Frances because it has all of the elements that she finds in her favorite books--British orphans, influenza and infectious disease, a female protagonist who is strong-minded, and introspective heroism.  I feel so fortunate to be able to share it with her and to get to share loving reading.  Rutledge continues to motor along with his reading lessons.  It is slow going, to be sure, but his progress is steady, and his fluency is gradually improving.  I am thankful that I am finally coming to terms (at least partially!) with the truth that Rome was not built in a day.  Especially if there is a glitch or issue underlying whatever is frustrating--slow and steady is still progress, and the tougher the problem, the less likely it will be solved in an instant.  I am pleased with my follow-through and discipline.  And I am proud of his work and persistence.  Maybe the best part of my day was watching the dress rehearsal for Frances's dance competition pieces.  Breathtaking is all I can say.  The improvement and poise and growth I have seen in the past two years is beyond measure.  I am amazed.  I am so grateful to the teachers and friends who have pushed her to her potential and have given her the gift of something that she loves.  She was born to do this, and I never get tired of watching her perform and see her use the gifts she has been given.  I am crazy about her "We Can Do It" piece. She looks straight off a Rosie the Riveter poster.  Her Audrey Hepburn piece also is stunning.  I am so looking forward to being able to go with her and her friends and my friends to Pittsburgh next weekend.  We are going to have an amazing time, and in many ways, this is what our dance year is all about.  In short, I have so much to be thankful about and so much good that is going on in my life.

The second resolution is related to the rubberband scheme that a friend of mine has going on her arm. She is working on controlling negative thoughts and puts a rubberband on her arm whenever she thinks or says one of the targeted problem things, and this helps remind her of what she is trying to change.  I had forgotten about this, but this morning the speaker at our study suggested putting ten pennies in our pocket and then moving one to the opposite pocket each time we show gratefulness to someone.  I love this.  And I especially like the positive spin.

Third is to challenge yourself to perform 27 acts of kindness or thankfulness in honor of those who died in Connecticut last month.  Again, simple, but I intend to do it consciously.

As always, I suppose life is a mixture of both worry and gratitude.  When I find myself slipping into perseverating on the things that are not working well or that I could blame myself for and then get sucked into the abyss of my thoughts, I am now trying to shift my attention to the happy jar and ideas for what could go inside today.  Because every day has happy jar moments, however small.  I guess you could say my biggest resolution now is to make that jar the full one.