Ever sat there some evening and thought, crap, my life is just imploding? Or worse yet, you wish it would implode and know it probably won't, that you'll just kind of drag on in a really unpleasant situation forever and ever because you don't have the guts to just get the hell out of it? That's me tonight. Sigh. I hate feeling like I have to take action, because I really am a gutless wimp, and I'm more likely to sit around seething and prickled for years and years because that's easier than actually just walking out.

But enough of the gutless wimp self-deprcation. Everyday life proceeds nonetheless. Even though there are still six or seven days left in this break, it feels like the time is getting dreadfully short. Tomorrow I'm taking the kids to go see my Dad, and while I am really glad that I am going to see him and that it's still vaguely within "the holidays," it's going to be a long solo trip. I would leave Rutledge home, which is a possibility, but it's time for him to stop playing video games. I am feeling like the worst parent on earth right now because I haven't stopped him from playing or watching because I get distracted doing other things. If he stays home with Kerry, it's a guarantee that he will spend from morning to night for the next 36 hours in front of a screen, and while having him in a car for 8 hours while we try to listen to an audio book isn't really my idea of meaningful interaction, it will probably assuage my guilt a bit.

I also hate to admit this kind of paranoia, but I guess I have to spit it out somewhere. Walter had an ECG this afternoon, and while it was kind of billed as a standard procedure before he begins a trial of a medication for ADD (something that back years ago I never would have thought I'd go in actively requesting), I'm wondering if it wasn't also because I raised some concerns by saying he seems to not pay attention and when I ask him what's going on, he'll say he's tired. You know how you get kind of a funny, off feeling when you have a medical procedure done and the ultrasound tech or the nurse doesn't give you information and gets a funny look and says the doctor will talk to you? That's the vibe I got today. I couldn't tell if the nurse was just having trouble feeding paper into the machine or something wasn't positioned right and that's why they ran it twice, but I sat around for about 10 minutes afterward, waiting for the doctor to come in to interpret, but the office was closing, Walter was getting restless, and so we were told they'd just call us. I guess since I didn't get a call, that may be good news. But there's a part of me that is wondering if there's more. I'm not a pessimist, but sometimes I feel like I have been so amazingly fortunate that I have four healthy children, that no one has any serious conditions, and that I'm just plain lucky. I had my share of little scares before they were born--questions about low amniotic fluid, poor growth, and then there was the little cardiological anxiety during the first few weeks, but thankfully that turned out to be nothing serious. So hopefully I'm just letting some reticence and shifty looks get the better of me.

I am still a bit incredulous at myself for following through with this medication thing. I'm not a big medicator, and I especially freak out a bit at anything working on little brains, but I was also feeling like I don't want to have regrets that I haven't tried to make things the best they can be, and this is one of the things I've wondered about for a long time. For now, we're going to try two weeks with half of a patch delivering the medication, whose name is escaping me now because it isn't one I hear about much. I'm grateful that our pediatrician is very cautious and low-dose about this type of thing, and like many have said, we can stop at any time if it feels like it's not working or is making things worse.



I wonder if everyone is having the year of the penguin. I feel like I'm surrounded by them! Our favorite place lately is the penguin area at our local zoo. And the house is overrun with penguin clothes, stuffed penguins, penguin earrings, penguin books, penguin questions.

We're watching a documentary called Wetbacks right now, about Latin American immigrants to North America. It was a huge adventure to get the DVD player set up in my bedroom, and it's kind of late to be starting a show at all, but I'm determined not to have fines. Just paid my $38 Henrico fine earlier this week, and it made me immensely unpopular with my whole family. I don't blame them--I am irresponsible. And it probably would be better to just buy any books that we want or need, but the support-the-community and anti-clutter sides of myself make me hesitant. Plus I really don't believe this would cost less. For every $10 in fines, I probably get forty books.

Pre-New-Years Resolutions:

1. Get kids to bed before 11:30. And up before 10 a.m.

2. Finish rearranging furniture. I'm deeply, heavily impaired in the area of interior decor and furniture placement. It irritates my family so very much that I can't leave things well enough alone, but darnit, we have whole rooms that are so non-functional that we barely use them at all. My current ambition is to make the schoolroom somewhere we will actually do work, but so far, after nearly a whole fall, it's not even close. In fact, we've kind of lost our art room in my quest to make this other room work well. Right now I have an obstacle, which is our china cabinet. If there was anywhere in the house I could put it until I rehome it, I would. I have this sense that if we could only get the whole house in perfect order, life would kind of run itself and our productivity would shoot through the roof.

Ahh, the week of the year that is hard to define. Kerry is back at work, having "sold" off his vacation time for this year (a topic all unto itself) for more work. The rest of us are home, and our time is both spoken for in sporadic ways (an appointment today, a piano lesson tomorrow, a hair appointment Wednesday) and too wide open. We've had some rainy days, some sick friends whose germs I don't want, and we've had too many consecutive days now where all of us are glued to our respective computers, victims of our atomized, technology-driven culture. I've spent hours and hours pushing an electronic skee-ball, without ever having a score that purports to justify that time investment--though perhaps that is merely a credential validating lost time. We've watched a disjointed cinema festival: Chipmunks, psychological thrillers, vintage horror (60s and 80s), sentimental holiday, and the Dirty Dozen. It's easy to ask, well, really, Nancy, what more do you want?

I think I'm ready for some authentic human interaction. Not with people on screens. Not with a houseful of people looking at different screens. I am limited by the lack of desire on the part of the people around me to do anything different. No one will accompany me on the dog walk. No one except Frances really wants to go out shopping or to the library. Friends are generally busy, gone, or both. Today, we finally are going out into the larger social world, which is likely just what we need to pull out of the after-Christmas week torpor. I could not be more excited.

I'm reading the book _Unless_, which is hard to put down, though I have to say that I do a lot of putting down because there are nonetheless many crises in our individualized house. The dog that peed on the floor, the squabble between two people, the hunger. I wish I could not identify so readily with the worries about a near-grown child, the questions about goodness (a big question on my mind lately), the often oppressiveness of the everyday details.

I wonder did everyone receive so few Christmas card this year, or it my lack a result of bad communication last year, some unintended bridge burning, and failure to get a card out yet this year, though I do have the cards and pictures for them. Each year we seem to get fewer, and this year I think we got six. I remember years when the cards would be taped up around our doorway and you'd be knocking them off every time you walked through. Facebook is a poor substitution, I think.

You know how the first few days of a holiday you get to say that you've done all of these wonderful, edifying, creative things with your surplus of unfettered time? All those family bonding moments with sledding and board games and reading great books and wrapping gifts while listening to festive music? Yeah, well, today was the start of Holiday, Phase II. Today was the day that I spent about four hours playing Skee-Ball and Doodle-Jump on the iPod.

Sure, I wrapped the remainder of the presents, which I'm embarrassed about now because they are so copious. I thought we were behind on things, but now I'm seeing that some people have way, way too much, and everyone as a whole has too much. We should have donated a flock of chickens in our name to everyone (the favorite gift and joke of this year).

Actually, today was kind of historically unique in that Kerry and I went out by ourselves and had lunch at Eurasia (I had what I'm pretty sure was the only potentially gluten-free offering on the menu, which was, as always, a salad) and faced the music of my Henrico County Library fines, which I've been avoiding paying because I'm so embarrassed. We originally intended to do some last-minute shopping, but in the end we did none of it. So I am still on the case of finding an inexpensive tent for Rutledge and picking up some movie tickets for Ollie. We relented and decided that yes, we will get the Red Ryder BB gun for Ollie, against our better judgment (for example, where on earth will he be able to shoot it, what with us living in the suburbs and all). So I'm breathing a sigh of relief that we are truly finished and I can spend my time on less crass pursuits than shopping. Like getting the ball into that hundred hole while the double-bonus light is flashing.

Isn't that just the sweetest little face? Rutledge told Santa that he wants a Wii game and Star Wars the Clone Wars.


And then a week later he got to meet Mrs. Claus when he went to see a Santa play at Swift Creek Mill playhouse.

And I'm pleased to announce that there are continued greetings from Winter Wonderland!

The magic continues. We slept late, we read a good book together, and the snow is still out there on the ground. The pull of playing outside was not so strong today, and there was more to do to make the holiday happen this week. Frances had a long Little Prince rehearsal, and I got to do some running around. Here's what I learned: intermediate flutes are very expensive. And there will not be one under our Christmas tree at this time. What I did get was a wah-wah Harmon mute for a trumpet, some things for stockings, and I found the giant Nerf gun for $8 less than I paid for it yesterday. I even had a few ideas for Ollie, which was a breakthrough. What a relief.

I've realized that I am much more lonely than I realized, which is, well, kind of sad. I'm missing conversation with actual adult humans, and I've realized that I've done a horrible job of keeping in touch with people or just plain being decent and making and keeping friends. It dawned on me how isolated I can be when I found myself in the house with just folks under 12 and was relying heavily on them for interaction. They are a lot of fun, don't get me wrong, but there's just something lacking. Shifting responsibilities and just general busyness have changed the patterns of friends I used to spend more time with, and meanwhile, my own busyness has probably prevented me from being more proactive in seeking some things to fill in the gaps. It's not just a Christmas week thing, but a life-wide issue. I hate when it becomes a vicious cycle--I feel alone, then start thinking that maybe I am truly unlovable and unlikeable, and then think that if I wasn't quite so alone, then I would probably be more likeable. Here's to figuring out how to get out of it.

I'm going to start by playing a bit more Bejeweled...

How very perfect was today? Camera still in my coat pocket, hanging on the back of a chair downstairs and I'm too cold to get it. But went sledding and snowboarding (with the fake snowboard) numerous times, with all the required clothing donning and shedding. Got to see Rutledge love the first snowfall that he has really enjoyed. Realized how clueless some of my kids are about appropriate cold-weather gear, since two of them went out with no gloves and with ski bibs, but no coat and realized the hard way that this is kind of dumb.

Played four games of my new very favorite board game, Ticket to Ride. What's funny is that they got this for Christmas last year and we haven't played it even once until today. It's a super strategy game that plays fairly quickly, allows for a lot of player interaction, a lot of decisions, and can have a surprise ending, all elements of a great board game. We split the winnings--two Walters, two mes, and no Ollies, which is a historic first. Cleaned most of my house--four loads of laundry washed and folded, kitchen cleaned, family room cleaned, bedroom sort of cleaned, two bathrooms cleaned, linen closet reorganized, walk-in closet in bedroom cleared up, and floors vacuumed throughout downstairs. I'm loving it. When my house is clean, I feel a huge amount of energy and craft projects abound, reading gets done, instrument practice isn't a chore--everyone can find everything and life is easy. If only it could stay that way!

Most of our Christmas presents are wrapped and under the tree, which is another first for us. I normally wrap presents a day or two before Christmas, and we've never had any under our tree before Christmas Eve, since someone has always been young enough to "accidentally" unwrap everything. This year, no one is doing that (yet), but they are finally getting to enjoy the pleasure that is shaking and feeling the contours of every single thing with their names on them. The most mysterious gift, according to all the children, is the one tagged for "Everyone," and they can't begin to wrap their minds around this. Shh...it's not that exciting, but it is family tree making software, since they are so fascinated with exactly what their relation is to their "cousin" Colin or their "cousins" Jack and Ashley, who are so far removed that I doubt that there even is a name for their relation. But we'll see. It's something all of them are interested in.

And I finally got all those pesky ornaments on the tree--the ones that somehow didn't get on the branches when we first decorated on the day before Thanksgiving. Some of them needed a hot date with a glue gun. Some needed to be tossed because they aren't repairable. All of them needed hooks and a bit of rearrangement so there would be a spot for them. Now there are no gaping boxes with tree-decoration stuff hanging out of them in the middle of the floor. Bliss.

Tonight, Ollie asked if we could make every night be like tonight. Games, watching the new Star Trek movie, making smores in the fireplace and microwave, mindless web-surfing time, and still enough time left to read at the end of the day (okay, I'll admit, they were up until 11:15...). I'm with him. I wish we could always have this kind of free time, and I feel a little guilty that we don't prioritize this and have time to relax and have fun almost every night, when we're typically going and coming from activities, trying to get work done for classes, and tying up the loose ends of the day. I see a New Year's resolution in the making here.

Ugh. When I tried to upload pictures, my post disappeared. Here's the gist of it.

I'm super crazy thrilled that it is snowing! In my 37 years, I've never once experienced a White Christmas or anything close to it. Here we are, fewer than 7 days away from Christmas (I'd actually prefer a white Christmas Eve than a white Christmas), and it's white, very white, out there. I am a snow junkie. I'm an adult who never grew up when it comes to snow. I love how life grinds to a halt, how stillness blankets everything at night, how you get to wear way too many clothes, freeze your toes off, and slide around outside as if nothing in the world matters except having fun.



Today was an all-around perfect Christmas week day. We went to see A Christmas Carol at the Empire Theatre this morning, and the Scrooge in this performance was perfection; I swear he was the real Scrooge, right from the pages of the book. I was very pleased that the play adhered so closely to the original text, since I feel that you can't really appreciate all of the various adaptations until you know to what they are alluding (I had a cute conversation with someone today about how her children saw Shakespeare's As You Like It alluding to Monty Python, rather than the other way around). Then we had a nice, if a bit too pricey lunch together before heading to the South of the James Homeschoolers annual holiday party, which was held this year at a local swim and recreation club. The highlight was a holiday talent show where more than a dozen kids played instruments or sang Christmas songs--what a nice way for a growing group to evolve as folks are getting older. We made some cute ornaments with starlight mints and put together our traditional reindeer chow, and I got a neat idea for a gluten-free chicken salad with curry. All in all, a rousing success. After that, we hopped quickly over to Brookstone to pick up a gift for my Dad, then made it home just in time to greet the first falling snowflakes. From there, life just got whiter and whiter until we looked like a Christmas card. I am still positively giddy when I look outside. The beauty of seeing all of the Christmas lights against the perfect snow, the houses looking so cozy and warm--it's something I've never experienced before, and it is enchanting. Tomorrow we are supposed to get several more inches, and I am so excited.


My dream is to be more like Frances. To be willing to just lie on the ground with no coat, just a sweatshirt, and make a snow angel while I'm not wearing a hat and to just think that this is the greatest day of my life.

There is a fascinating thread going on on one of the email lists I'm on about "The Mid-Year Slump," which some simply call the holidays. I haven't posted to it. I actually have this thing about not becoming too much of a homeschooling persona on these lists, I guess some of it is also a feeling of inexpert inadequacy ("Low Self-Esteem" is another name folks use), and some of it is that I reserve my right to change my mind about who I am and how I do things, so I hate to set myself out there saying one thing when maybe I'll feel differently about it in a few weeks. But it all comes out to that persona thing. We get to 'know' these people who post frequently and throw it all out there, and I had made a solemn promise to myself when I began homeschooling that I was not going to obsess about it and let the contemplation of it consume my life in the way, say, infertility did when I was going through it. I lived it, breathed it, meta-analyzed it, wallowed in it online, and it had an incredible capacity to suck my entire life away for days at a time. I think I always suspected that if I became an online researching, support-grouping homeschool junkie, I'd never actually get around to, well...homeschooling.

I've digressed again. This thread was from a person who sounded fairly new to homeschooling--typical story of a 4th grader who isn't relishing "learning" the way that we theoretically hoped they would when we made this decision to homeschool. Others, less afraid of sticking themselves out there, responded reassuring that this was normal, that many families take big breaks at this time, that breaks are refreshing, that changing curricula can be energizing, that we're learning all the time, that a schedule or a promise of fun after the work is done might help. All the usual stuff. I'm not sure what I would say on the topic, but I guess I'm going to try to say it anyway.

I'm in that position. If I can be perfectly blunt and honest, I'd say that I'm in a bit of a slump myself. I am having a harder and harder time lately figuring out why I'm doing this homeschooling thing, what benefit I am perceiving that is making it worthwhile. There's a column for the pro and con, as usual, but my pro column is feeling a bit scant lately. Originally, my impetus to homeschool was a rather liberal one. I could see that my oldest two were a bit divergent in their thinking, that they might not be a good fit for a traditional elementary school. I could see the parental politics, the PTA stress, the cliques that begin right with the adults, the expectations driven by standardization, and I felt this wasn't what I wanted for us, that this wouldn't be a fit for us as a whole. But then I started reading all the lofty stuff--the self-directed learners who find passions and follow them voraciously, the time for family relationships to be truly fostered and for us to all truly know one another from quantity time together, the outside the box means of experiencing the world, the potential for opportunities that children in a building for most of their day might not have, the ability to play to the strengths and find success there, the freedom of it all.

Enter Reality, stage right. I'm certainly not saying it's not all roses. We know that. Make it through the first three weeks of homeschooling, and you'll at least have a whiff of that one. But right now, my goals are becoming a little more concrete, a little more mainstream. I want them to be prepared to apply to a good university. I want them to be competitive with peers who have been educated in a wide variety of systems. I want them to have opportunities to achieve in the mainstream world if they choose that, and, I no longer blush to admit, I kind of want them to achieve some in that world. I'm having to continually convince myself that homeschooling is going to provide a path to those ends, a path I can trust.

The path of top private schools, the path of top public schools--that path is well-trodden. Every single year, dozens of students there go off to good universities, they have interesting and varied C.V.s and have had many experiences. Homeschoolers can often sound like they have the corner on the market when it comes to experiences--the old "other kids are trapped in a box and never see the light of day or have an independent thought." But the thing is, there are some opportunities out there, they're close to home, and they are often logistically efficient. Rather than driving hither and yon to get art, band, Latin, a science class, this, and that, there are places that offer all of that and more in one convenient building, often with transportation right to the door.

I'm probably just being my Type A self, but I find myself worrying more and more that they aren't getting the top-notch education that I want them to have. Or that they aren't capable of what I have in mind (that's a scarier thought, one I am not often bold enough to explore too deeply). It's just a fact that life often gets messy, that a day starts slipping away, that we don't get to the hardcore academics that seem so important to me right now. I find myself thinking more and more that things march forward in a school, that maybe that's actually a good thing. That they have opportunities to learn independent work skills, that more subjects are covered more days. That there may be more order and may be inspiring teachers who would push them to do their best. I'm having an especially rough time with what I feel is the chaos of a lot of the homeschool activities we do. I kind of want what I want, and when I'm not getting it, or I'm getting it with a lot of static, I'm more anxious now to streamline, to boil things down to what's working because the days are short and what I'd like us them to cover is long.

The kids, of course, are asking when the break starts. They can't be fooled the way they were when they were younger. Then again, when they were younger, they had a much more slack mama. We weren't that regular anyway, so the break was just more of the same. They have been hopefully begging for a reprieve from all work for the past two weeks, and in my head, I'm calculating how many days we will need in order to finish our current math book with its 120 lessons (we're on 74, which means that if we get the work done tomorrow we'll have 45 days left, but there are two days off from every weekend, and Mondays are more or less shot, and....). Then I think, well, maybe we'll be stronger than ever after some time to recharge, and absence makes the heart grow fonder, or maybe the brain stronger, when it comes to decimals and geometry.

I think the truth is, the break is starting whether I planned it or not. Tomorrow morning is the much-anticipated A Christmas Carol performance, followed by the kids' party in the afternoon for our homeschool group, followed, it would seem, by our first good snowfall of the season. It looks likes our church group Christmas party/dinner out and Frances's pre-production-week Big Dance Rehearsal are going to be cancelled. But there's little time to get much done of what looks like "school." And by Monday, except for the Latin class they have in the morning, we're falling headlong into the break.

I'm sure that there's much good that will happen in that time. Somehow I seriously doubt that we're just going to have tons and tons of time on our hands, like I'm imagining, though I hope that we do. I'm dying to play a lot of board games, some of the games they got last Christmas that we haven't had time to even try yet, which is a sad, sad commentary on the busyness of our life. We are reading so many good books lately, and I hope that there will be more time for that. Walter is reading Mr. Popper's Penguins after Frances read it for her Non-Book-Club this past week. She's in an in-between stage with the book club she had been in, where she is deeply offended at being placed with the 5 and 6 year olds, but didn't seem to make the cut for the girls her own age. So we had her get together with a friend to discuss a book and have the shared reading experience that she loves so much. Now she's reading Charlotte's Web (alternating chapters with me) and a graphic novel about squirrels or something like that and an adaptation of the Nutcracker and the book that I've assigned her as her official "reading" assignment. We all just finished reading the original of A Christmas Carol, since the story is fairly short for Dickens, an author that they love that we don't often make very swift progress in. The boys and I are reading Crispin, the Cross of Lead together (a book that I've had out of the Henrico Library since October and which is ridiculously overdue because I can't seem to get myself out there), and we have been listening to Shakespeare's Secret in the car and are almost done. Ollie is reading a Susan Cooper book that involves flashbacks or time travel or something to the Tudor age, and we all just finished Chasing Lincoln's Killer. So yeah, we're kind of all over the map, studying Shakespeare (we did Hamlet a few weeks ago), the Tudor age, the Civil War, Victorian London, and the Middle Ages. I have to constantly remind myself that this breadth has to count for something, that it's probably more than they would be getting if they were in a more structured school situation, and it's probably more reading than they would be getting done if our life looked a lot different.

It occurs to me now that it could snow and life could be shut down for a while, and I'm woefully unprepared for Christmas for some people in the family. I'm still a bit stumped for Ollie, and it's only a week until Christmas. No, he's not getting a Rolex. Probably not getting a new flute. Not getting the violent video game he asked for. The crisp $100 bill idea isn't the worst I've heard. It also occurs to me, as I'm sitting here way past midnight, that though I thought tomorrow was "free" until we go to the play, that actually I'm getting up bright and early for Spongebob School tomorrow (speech). Yikes! I better run before I really do lose all of tomorrow!