Whew, I have been really out of it this week and very irresponsible. I need to learn to say "no" and not take on so much, and I definitely need a paper calendar. I buy one of these every year, and every year I do a piss-poor job of actually using it. I can't even say why. I seriously think that it's an ADD/executive function situation. I just can't seem to get things from my head to a piece of paper or the computer screen without forgetting things, feeling like it's hopeless that my schedule is actually going to stay the way that I write it down, and not really knowing where to start. It's also just tedious, writing down one after another thing that is repetitive. Dance every week on Monday, etc. There are so many regular things that my calendar looks cluttered, and then I think that I'm not going to actually see the "unique" thing of the day that shows up, and there's of course the decision to be made about whether to use a calendar with a month at a glance, a week at a glance, or something for each day, and then whether I would need all 3 or a combination of these. And I guess that is all one long-winded way of saying that I have serious problems with executive functioning!

So here's the skinny on this week's gaffes:

* Saturday, forget one of my best friends' daughter's birthday party. The girl is one of Frances' best friends. I had the invite on the fridge, but didn't remember the party until Sunday afternoon.

* Sunday, forgot board meeting for swim and dive team. Remembered it Monday night.

* Monday, realized I hadn't notified the trumpet, flute or Latin instructors that the boys were out of town skiing and wouldn't be at their lessons.

* Tuesday, got mixed up about trumpet lesson was rescheduled for today or tomorrow (I thought it was Wed.) and missed it.

Meanwhile, I was at a LLL Leaders' meeting tonight to determine schedule for the next 4 months, which puts more things on my calendar. And I said I'd help with the Easter kids' community celebration at church (moon bounce, farm animals, pony rides, 3 egg hunts, craft projects, cookies, cotton candy). I probably shouldn't have.

Tomorrow I'm going to prioritize getting a calendar. I think I need a print one. Maybe I should print it myself (but what to use? The one in Entourage? Something online? Something I could sync with my iPod? See my problem?!). But I need to have it on my person at all times and be updating it by the minute as our regular routine changes. I used to be able to hold it all, mostly, in my head. Now I think we've reached critical complication mass!

Rehearsals are ramping up for Frances' big show next month. She has dance 5 days a week now, which is completely overwhelming to me, since she's not an only child. We still have our classes 3 days a week, we still have dive 3 days a week, we still have trumpet and flute that are constantly being rearranged so there isn't a fixed time, we still have piano and art class and preschool pickup and field trips and weekend obligations. In a few weeks, Frances will be practicing up to 10 hours a day for her show (hopefully only one day of that!). No wonder stuff is falling right out of my head.

It is probably fortuitous that this weekend is a retreat with the church we used to attend. I'm still part of a small group there, and I'll be rooming with some people who are in my small group. As with last year, I'm both looking forward to and apprehensive about this. I like my autonomy, and it makes me nervous to not have my car with me and not to have my own room. I don't know the people there all that well, don't have any close friends going, and, well, I'm only but so outgoing. So I'm nervous I'll feel lonely and left out and like I don't fit in, which probably is not true at all, and I didn't really feel that way last year, and I knew people even less then. Plus I wonder how my family's life is going to proceed with me gone and a big potential snowstorm here. Will I come back to a mess? Will I come back to feeling very unprepared for this coming week's classes? Will everyone get where they need to go?

I'm not that overwhelmed, though I think I sound that way. I'm just feeling extremely embarrassed that I don't appear to handle our life very well. I should be doing a better job of juggling things, but it's hard. I wish I could get it together and stay centered, and it's always a little unnerving to get evidence that I'm not doing as well as I think I am.