I had an interesting email today from someone saying that the reasons I gave for not wanting to blog any more might be reasons to actually continue. That's some seriously screwy logic, but it's right up my alley. Kerry asks me, "Does it make you happy?" Well, yes, it does. And he admitted that I've been more fun to be around/happier in his opinion since I started writing. I tried to explain my reasoning, which I didn't post anywhere but wrote out for myself in a very brief 15 minute kind of way last night, and I think it made no sense to him. So I had to leave it at the jerking off metaphor. It's funny, but I don't mind it so much with the people who are far distant, but it's uncomfortable to me to see this one-way medium mediating, if not often replacing my contact with the people I see more frequently. At any rate, it makes absolutely no sense to say something like "I'm not sure how I feel about this one-way conversation, I'm not sure how I feel about sharing my rambly thoughts," when I'm the one who is willingly doing it night after night. I could write about other things, for example, than myself and my children and my nutso theories on this or that. I could just stop writing. So I opted for the temporary "Just Stop Writing" approach. And there it is.

So I'm doing this for myself and adhering to a 30 minute rule. Writing makes me feel happy. It's easier for me to write here than to write thinking that I'm writing this article for possible publication. I'd rather rough draft it here than face the dreaded blank screen of writer's block. Here I don't feel that. What comes out is much more raw, it would need a lot of editing to turn it into anything other than what you see here, but there's a higher chance of that happening than the blank white paper turning into that. And so I plug on.

Today was co-op. For once I was unenthused. There were a lot of reasons. Myriad, if I dare use my most-hated word. I felt unprepared. I was still feeling physically irritated by my throat. I was irritable in general with noise, my children's crying/bickering/losing things, and my own disorganization. I feel like a slacker and a choas-bringer when compared with other people there. I still feel like my gang is the trouble element in a group--the factor that makes things unravel, the factor that sends children outside the fence, toward the streets, out of bounds. I still feel like the weak link--the one who doesn't do enough, can't be counted on, is totally distracted (which I am). I feel like it's obvious that other people want something different than I originally had wanted, and yet I'm holding them back. And then I realized that maybe I wanted the same things, too. The multiple recent breaks haven't helped matters. And today it was so hard for me to be on top of Rutledge. I abandoned him with other people, then felt bad about it, but obviously not bad enough to not do it. And I said that I wanted more homework again. Which I think just pissed people off, because I had been the one earlier saying that the homework was a drag (which it was). But I think it's necessary. I've changed my tune. I'm wanting the structure now. I need the connection to what my children are doing that we had been missing. I need the feeling that co-op is more than a big, fun playdate for all involved. And I definitely need the feeling that I'm not wrecking it for the people to whom it matters most. Me, I have friends, I have places to get out my socialist (had to use that word!) energy. Socializing. If I'm going to bother to prepare for co-op, then I want my children to prepare, and I want them and others to get the most they can out of it, especially the older ones. I realized that we don't have a lot of spaces in our schedule that are bona fide learning activities with cohesiveness, continuity, organized knowledge being imparted. And we all know that what I do at home is sketchy at best! So if this is our One Big Thing for the week, I care enough about it to want it to do a better job of what it intends. Well, at least as well as that can happen when the Clendenons are involved ;) The best part of today was making bridges out of straws and masking tape, as on Zoom. Even Frances was able to engage fully with this activity and made a very interesting version of a triangulated support, which given infinite time and straws she might have been able to use to full advantage in supporting this cup full of 100 pennies. It was neat to see the kids working together, maybe even better to see them presenting their stuff to the group and telling what each member of the team had done. We had four teams and four different bridges. I'd post a picture if I understood this particular client a little better. We also made the cranberry bread from "Cranberry Thanksgiving," an interesting little book that Frances adores and has memorized a large part of. I never did get to sample the final product because we left it on-site when we went to art. And I dare not ask what it was like; it appeared as though it would make a very fine doorstop. The batter/dough itself was just plain wrong-looking, even allowing some space for cranberries to release juices during cooking. It didn't look like other cranberry bread I've seen, that's all I can say. There were a lot of cooks in the kitchen, though. Who knows if anything happened while my back was turned!

This weekend is the Richmond Rumble. This is a pretty big regional tournament at St. Christopher's, and Ollie is going to wrestle. We're not sure Walter is ready for this much competition at such a low weight. Last year I want to say it was almost snowy the night that we went for weigh-in, so maybe we'll have that type of luck this year. Going out there twice in two days is a bit of a tiring exercise, and I think there's also a Cub Scout Pack Meeting that evening where they are supposed to have their space derby rockets (which we haven't even bought, much less done anything with). I wouldn't normally care this much, but they missed the last meeting, and they could get their Bobcat Badge if they went, but I think weigh-in is going to conflict, unless we can go very early. Now that wrestling season has started, Cub Scouts has totally gone by the wayside. At any rate, this particular wrestling event is good experience for Ollie. Last night at practice they had a take-down tourney within the club, and he made it through about four guys who were bigger than him, up to 15 pounds or so heavier. So he's really making progress. I think he is more enthusiastic now that two of his friends are there with him. Tonight I was talking with someone's husband about "head, heart, and hands" as components for all optimal learning, and we were talking about this other club lacking the heart element. It has made me stop and wonder about whether there's heart in our other learning. Like our math book, for instance. Does Math-U-See have a heart? I don't think we should answer that question.